Let’s talk imposter syndrome
Step one let's define it:
A collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. “Imposters” suffer from a chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that overrides any feelings of success or external proof of their competency. -Harvard Business
Step two let's unpack it in my life:
Being in the final year of my bachelor’s degree, set to graduate this spring. On internship in youth mental health (which was my top choice and competitive to get into). While also working and building my career in the community. Supporting children and youth with their mental health in the community, utilizing art and mindfulness in a program I built and developed from grant level up.
Receiving praise and recognition from my professors, supervisors, community, youth, and their families. That I’m good at what I do. And that what I do matters.
Seems great right? Like all the hard work and experience I have is really paying off.
The perfect time to be proud.
Yeah no.
The reality is even though everything about my life above is true, that’s not my experience of it. As I am a Capricorn. An Indigenous Women. And the most stubborn, hard on myself, critical human you probably have ever met.
Trust me.
Each day I wake up, and go to my internship placement or my work, or write some university paper filled with doubt. Why am I doing this, why did I receive this opportunity, am I just here as a token?
Slowly those questions turn into statements. As internalize my perceptions of the world around me.
I am not good enough. I should have done xy, instead of z. Someone else should have gotten this opportunity. I can’t do this. I shouldn’t be doing this.
And I drag myself through the day, doing everything I should, the way I know how, second-guessing everything I say or do, brushing off any praise I receive.
As let’s be real here, I don’t come from a family who hold degrees. I passed both of my parents’ education-wise once I completed grade seven.
I also don’t see people like myself, in my education, or future employment. I am often the only indigenous person, and sometimes I do play that token role.
I currently exist in systems like post-secondary education and health which are built upon excluding people like me. So of course, I feel like an imposter inside of them.
Imposter syndrome is common for BIPOC folks, and I have talked many times with friends about my feelings and experiences. Some get it, they experience it too. Others are confused, and that is okay, I am glad their reality is different than mine. As of right now mine kind of sucks.
Last week the youth at work participated in an appreciation circle, which provided them the opportunity to share gratitude for one another. We did this by writing our names on top of a piece of paper, than passing our piece of paper around the room. Everyone took turns writing on each other papers or drawing if that was more their thing.
When my paper came back to me there were little notes about my clothes or hair, or my Sims skills, but then there was one that really hit home to me.
To paraphrase the words of an 11 year old;
Thank you for creating a space where I can be me and make art. This is not like other art programs. You made me love art again.
And you want to bet I cried when I got home from work.
As I have spent a lot of the last month beating myself up with criticism.
Believing that I do not belong in this work (the field of rec therapy) because of my race, history, educational background, and personality. As I’m different, I knew that going into it, and throughout it.
Yet here I am, at the end of it, getting ready for my career, lost and broken.
As I don’t know if I will ever feel like I belong, and that I am that I’m good at the work.
Not fully sure how to end this post, but here we are, sitting in my emotions and experience. Self-aware but also stuck, as how does one move past imposter syndrome? I thought my degree, that piece of paper with my name written, that no one could ever take back from me, would be my ticket out. But now I’m not so sure.